Expectations

Spending over 8 years TTC you get to think a lot about what you want to do as a parent. In the beginning of our journey Husband was in the military and so I would have been a SAHM. Fast forward to now…

Well I work full-time and Husband is in school/job hunting. So after my maternity leave ended it was back to work for me. I imagined making my own baby food for example. Well there is what we imagine and then there is reality.

The reality is I am struggling with depression and anxiety and just barely getting through the work day. I am exhausted and when I get home after a long day. I want to spend as much time with my son as possible. Homemade baby food would take time I don’t want to waste.

There is also a judgemental part of me that gets frustrated by SAHM who are on FB all day and the kids are watching TV etc. Meanwhile I work all week and then try to squeeze in meaningful experiences on the weekend. Which only pushes and squeezes the weekend as I should also be preparing for the work week.

To say it has been a struggle might be an understatement. 

I have also felt really alone. In my friend circle I am the first with a child. Some of my friends don’t want kids. Some are TTC and some are only just getting married. So I feel like we are all growing apart in different ways. That I no longer fit with them. Or that they are avoiding me. This could also be an extension of my anxiety of course. 

So I console my failures as a mother by buying organic baby food to make up for not making it myself and focusing on doing the best I can for my son in the hours I do get to spend with him.

I hope that having a baby doesn’t mean the end of my friendships. There is so much that changes when you have a child that you just couldn’t have imagined.  All the heartache, the struggles, and the losses.  Worth it.